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THE DESPERATION OF NOT BELIEVING IN GOD: A PARALLEL BETWEEN KIRILLOV AND THE "LATE I LOVED YOU" OF SAINT AUGUSTINE

«I loved you late, O beauty so ancient and so new: there, you were inside me and I was outside; and outside I looked for you and threw myself, deformed, on the beautiful forms of your creatures. You were with me, but I wasn't with you... The things that wouldn't exist if they weren't in you kept me away from you."

- Pastoral reflections -

Author
Eneas de Camargo Beast

.

The search for meaning and the purpose of life is a central question in the human experience. For many, belief in God plays a fundamental role in building a sense of identity and finding answers to existential dilemmas.

Fëdor Dostoevskij (1821-1881). Oil painting on canvas. Vassilij Perov (1833-1882)

However, there are those who face despair resulting from lack of faith in God; example of this is the character Kirillov, of the works of Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Demons (O The Possessed).

Kirillov is a complex character and tormented who struggles with the desperation of not believing in God. He recognizes the absence of a higher power and the lack of transcendent purpose in human existence. This awareness leads him to a state of desperation, because he is faced with the impossibility of finding absolute meaning in his life.

The denial of God places Kirillov at an existential crossroads. Without belief in a divine being who can offer universal moral purpose or order, he feels free to do what he wants, including taking his own life. For him, suicide becomes a logical choice in the face of the lack of meaning in existence. Kirillov believes that, becoming the author of his own death, he will become the absolute master of his own life.

Kirillov's Despair it can also be interpreted as a response to the loneliness and isolation that result from the lack of a shared faith in God. He feels alienated from society and misunderstood by the other characters, who still retain some form of faith or belief in a higher power. This alienation deepens his desperation and leads him to seek answers in extreme action. There is an interesting parallel between Kirillov and some aspects of contemporary libertinism and atheism.

The other part, in I loved you late (confessions), Saint Augustine describes his spiritual search for God. Augustine tells how, throughout his life, tried to satisfy his needs through creatures and the material world, only to then realize that these searches were empty. Its central idea

«I loved you late, O beauty so ancient and so new: there, you were inside me and I was outside; and outside I looked for you and threw myself, deformed, on the beautiful forms of your creatures. You were with me, but I wasn't with you... The things that wouldn't exist if they weren't in you kept me away from you."

reflects the recognition that God has always been present in his life, but that he only perceived it late. Augustine experiences a spiritual awakening in which he finds meaning and fulfillment in God, moving away from the void of hedonistic and materialist research.

The Saint mentions the impact of the truth divine on the mind and heart, where intellectual understanding is combined with a profound existential response, bringing true joy to the soul as a gradual process of awakening to transcendent reality, filling the emotional and spiritual voids he had previously experienced in the storm. The clarity gained through this understanding reveals a central aspect of human freedom taught by the Second Vatican Council, which summarizes the drama of these two characters (Kirillov-libertinism; Augustine-freedom):

«Only in freedom can man convert to good. The men of our time greatly appreciate and ardently seek this freedom; and rightly so. However, they often cultivate it in a perverse way, as if it consisted of the license to do anything, even evil, as long as you like it. True freedom is an eminent sign of the divine image in man." (The joy and hope, n. 17).

Like this, both Kirillov and Augustine faced an existential crisis, but their answers are noticeably different. Kirillov throws himself into the abyss of nihilism, seeing freedom as an unbearable burden. Augustine, instead, finds consolation and meaning in the discovery of the divine presence in one's existence. While Kirillov tries to become a “god” through death, Augustine seeks God to find life.

Jundiaí, 6 May 2026

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THE DESPAIR OF NOT BELIEVING IN GOD: A PARALLEL BETWEEN KIRILOV AND SAINT AUGUSTINE’S “LATE HAVE I LOVED YOU”

«Late have I loved You, Beauty ever ancient and ever new; behold, You were within me, and I outside; and there I sought You, rushing headlong upon the beautiful things You had made, deformed myself. You were with me, but I was not with You… Those things kept me far from You which would not exist unless they existed in You»

— pastoral reflections —

Author
Eneas de Camargo Beast

.

The search for the meaning and purpose of life is a central question in the human experience. For many, belief in God plays a fundamental role in shaping a sense of identity and in the search for answers to existential dilemmas. Yet there are those who face the despair that results from not believing in God; an example of this is the character Kirilov in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s novel Demons (also translated as The Possessed).

Kirilov is a complex and tormented character who struggles with the despair of not believing in God. He recognizes the absence of a higher power and the lack of any transcendent purpose in human existence. This awareness leads him into a state of despair, because he finds himself confronted with the impossibility of discovering an absolute meaning for his life.

The denial of God places Kirilov at an existential crossroads. Without belief in a divine being capable of providing purpose or a universal moral order, he feels free to do whatever he wishes, including taking his own life. For him, suicide becomes a logical choice in the face of the meaninglessness of existence. Kirilov believes that, by becoming the author of his own death, he will become the absolute master of his own life.

Kirilov’s despair may also be interpreted as a response to the loneliness and isolation that arise from the absence of a shared belief in God. He feels alienated from society and misunderstood by the other characters, who still retain some form of faith or belief in a higher power. This alienation deepens his despair and drives him to seek answers through extreme actions. There is an intriguing parallel between Kirilov and certain aspects of contemporary libertinism and atheism.

On the other hand, in Late Have I Loved You (Confessions), Saint Augustine describes his spiritual search toward God. Augustine recounts how, throughout his life, he sought to satisfy his needs through creatures and the material world, only to realize that such pursuits were empty. His central insight

«Late have I loved You, Beauty ever ancient and ever new; behold, You were within me, and I outside; and there I sought You, rushing headlong upon the beautiful things You had made, deformed myself. You were with me, but I was not with You… Those things kept me far from You which would not exist unless they existed in You»

reflects his recognition that God had always been present in his life, though he came to perceive Him only late. Augustine undergoes a spiritual awakening in which he finds meaning and fullness in God, turning away from the emptiness of a hedonistic and materialistic search.

The Saint speaks of the impact of divine truth upon the mind and heart, where intellectual understanding is joined to a profound existential response, bringing true joy to the soul through a gradual awakening to transcendent reality, filling the emotional and spiritual voids that he had previously experienced within temporal things. The clarity attained through this understanding reveals a central aspect of human freedom taught by the Second Vatican Council, which summarizes the drama of these two figures (Kirilov-libertinism; Augustine-freedom):

«Only in freedom can man direct himself toward goodness. Our contemporaries highly esteem and eagerly pursue this freedom; and rightly so. Yet they often cultivate it in a wrong way, as though it consisted in the license to do anything whatsoever, even evil, so long as it pleases them. True freedom is an outstanding manifestation of the divine image in man» (The joy and hope, n. 17).

Thus, both Kirilov and Augustine faced an existential crisis, but their responses are remarkably different. Kirilov throws himself into the abyss of nihilism, seeing freedom as an unbearable burden. Augustine, on the other hand, finds consolation and meaning in discovering the divine presence within his own existence. While Kirilov seeks to become a “god” through death, Augustine seeks God in order to find life.

Jundiaí, 6 May 2026

.

THE DESPERATION OF NOT BELIEVING IN GOD: A PARALLEL BETWEEN KIRILOV AND THE “LATE I LOVED YOU” BY SAINT AUGUSTINE

«Late I loved you, Beauty so old and so new; behold, You were inside me and I was outside, and outside I was looking for you; and I launched, deformed, about the beautiful things you created. you were with me, but I was not with you... Those things that would not exist if they did not exist in You kept me far from You.

—Pastoral reflections —

Author
Eneas de Camargo Beast

.

The search for meaning and the purpose of life is a central question of human experience. For many, Belief in God plays a fundamental role in building a sense of identity and finding answers to existential dilemmas. However, There are those who face the despair that results from not believing in God; An example of this is the character Kirilov in the work of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. The demons (O The possessed).

Kirilov is a complex and tormented character who struggles with the despair of not believing in God. Recognizes the absence of a higher power and the lack of a transcendent purpose in human existence. This awareness leads him to a state of despair, because he is faced with the impossibility of finding an absolute meaning for his life.

The denial of God places Kirilov at an existential crossroads. Without the belief in a divine being capable of offering a purpose or a universal moral order, you feel free to do what you want, even take your own life. For him, suicide becomes a logical choice in the face of the lack of meaning of existence. Kirilov believes that, by becoming the author of his own death, You will become the absolute lord of your own life.

Kirilov's despair It can also be interpreted as a response to the loneliness and isolation that results from the lack of a shared faith in God.. He feels alienated from society and misunderstood by the other characters., those who still retain some form of faith or belief in a higher power. This alienation deepens his despair and leads him to seek answers in extreme actions.. There is an interesting parallel between Kirilov and certain aspects of contemporary libertinism and atheism..

On the other hand, in Late I loved you (Confessions), Saint Augustine describes his spiritual search for God. Augustine tells how, throughout his life, He sought to satisfy his needs through creatures and the material world, only to realize that such searches were empty. Your central idea

«Late I loved you, Beauty so old and so new; behold, You were inside me and I was outside, and outside I was looking for you; and I launched, deformed, about the beautiful things you created. you were with me, but I was not with you... Those things that would not exist if they did not exist in You kept me far from You.

reflects the recognition that God was always present in his life, although he only realized it late. Augustine experiences a spiritual awakening in which he finds meaning and fulfillment in God, moving away from the emptiness of hedonistic and materialistic pursuit.

The saint mentions the impact of divine truth about the mind and the heart, where intellectual understanding meets a deep existential response, bringing true joy to the soul through a gradual process of awakening to transcendent reality, filling the emotional and spiritual voids I had previously experienced in temporal things. The clarity gained through this understanding reveals a central aspect of human freedom taught by the Second Vatican Council., that summarizes the drama of these two characters (Kirilov-libertinaje; Augustine-freedom):

«Only in freedom can man convert to good. The men of our time greatly appreciate and ardently seek this freedom.; and rightly so. However, they often encourage it in a reprehensible manner, as if it consisted of the license to do anything, even the evil, as long as it pleases. True freedom is an eminent sign of the divine image in man. (The joy and hope, n. 17).

So, both Kirilov and Agustín faced an existential crisis, But their answers are noticeably different.. Kirilov throws himself into the abyss of nihilism, seeing freedom as an unbearable burden. Augustine, instead, finds comfort and meaning in discovering the divine presence in his own existence. While Kirilov seeks to become a “god” through death, Augustine seeks God to find life.

Jundiaí, 6 May 2026

.

THE DESPERATE OF NOT BELIEVE IN GOD: A PARALLEL BETWEEN KIRILOV AND SAINT AUGUSTINE’S “LATE I LOVED YOU”

«Afternoon I loved you, O Beauty so old and so new, behold, you were inside, and me, outside – and outside I sought you, and threw me, shapeless and not beautiful, before the beauty of everything and everyone you created. You were with me, and I was not with You… Things that would not exist except in You held me far from You.”

—Pastoral reflections —

Author
Eneas de Camargo Beast

.

The search for meaning and purpose of life is a central question in the human experience. For many, Belief in God plays a fundamental role in building a sense of identity and searching for answers to existential dilemmas. However, There are those who face despair resulting from a lack of belief in God, An example of this is the character Kirilov, from the work of Fyodor Dostoevsky, “The Demons” (or “The Possessed”).

Kirilov is a complex and tormented character who struggles with the despair of not believing in God. It recognizes the absence of a higher power and the lack of a transcendent purpose in human existence. This realization leads him to a state of despair, as he is faced with the impossibility of finding absolute meaning in his life.

Denial of God puts Kirilov at an existential crossroads. Without belief in a divine being who can provide a universal moral purpose or order, he feels free to do whatever he wants, including taking his own life. For him, suicide becomes a logical choice given the meaninglessness of existence. Kirilov acredita que, by becoming the author of his own death, he will become the absolute master of his own life.

O desespero de Kirilov can also be interpreted as a response to the loneliness and isolation that result from a lack of shared belief in God. He feels alienated from society and misunderstood by the other characters, who still have some form of faith or belief in a higher power. This alienation deepens his despair and leads him to seek answers in extreme actions.. There is an intriguing parallel between Kirilov and certain aspects of contemporary debauchery and atheism..

On the other hand, in «Tarde Vos Amei» (Confessions), Saint Augustine describes his spiritual quest toward God. Augustine relates how, throughout your life, he sought to satisfy his needs through creatures and the material world, only to realize that these searches were empty. Your central idea

«Afternoon I loved you, O Beauty so old and so new, behold, you were inside, and me, outside – and outside I sought you, and threw me, shapeless and not beautiful, before the beauty of everything and everyone you created. You were with me, and I was not with You… Things that would not exist except in You held me far from You.”

reflects your recognition that God has always been present in your life, but he only realized it late. Augustine experiences a spiritual awakening in which he finds meaning and fulfillment in God, moving away from the void of hedonistic and materialistic pursuit.

The saint mentions the impact of divine truth about the mind and heart, where intellectual understanding merges with a profound existential response, bringing true joy into your soul as a gradual process of awakening to transcendental reality, filling the emotional and spiritual voids he previously experienced with the temporal. The clarity obtained through this understanding reveals a central aspect of human freedom taught in Vatican II, which sums up the drama of these two characters (Kirilov-libertinagem; Augustine-freedom):

«only in freedom can man convert to good. Today's men greatly appreciate and ardently seek this freedom; and rightly so. Often, although, they encourage it in a reprehensible way, as if it consisted of the license to do whatever, even the bad, as long as you like it. True freedom is a privileged sign of the divine image in man.” (The joy and hope, n. 17).

Like this, both Kirilov and Augustine faced an existential crisis, but their answers are remarkably different. Kirilov plunges into the abyss of nihilism, seeing freedom as an unbearable burden. Augustine, on the other hand, finds solace and meaning in his discovery of the divinity present in his existence. As Kirilov seeks to become a “deus” by death, Augustine seeks God to find life.

Jundiaí, 6 de maji de 2026

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